She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no, he came in my armpit
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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