I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The uberlube is also flammable
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
