i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
