We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
