pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
