Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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