It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
