I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
