I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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