yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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