if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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