Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
