Tell her she can't have a vagina
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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