just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
