she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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