forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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