do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hippo gnu deer
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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