I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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