Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
this will be a night to untag.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
