pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
