Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
