Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
