Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
