Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
