in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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