I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
