Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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