I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
