Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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