did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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