She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
