discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I checked into jail on foursquare
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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