You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
