I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
