i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
