My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
