how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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