i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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