this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
