I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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