just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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