My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
