not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
