mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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