Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
