I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize