i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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