he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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