ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I puked a lego.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
