She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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