I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
