got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
