How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
