I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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