life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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