you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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