My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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