Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't turn off my feet"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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