i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
