Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize