meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
