Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize