guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need to stop coming to work sober
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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