I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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